The more things change, the more they remain the same.

I hear a lot about bucket lists. I dunno, maybe I have one. More of my 'lists' are current lists, 5 year lists, 25 year lists...but I guess they all could be bucket lists because we don't know how much time we've got at the dance. Over the past 2 years my wants have drastically changed. I've been focusing on simpler things, true things. Not reaching so much for more, just trying to enjoy what is here more. That goes for family, friends, opportunity, relationships...not material things. (Except I really really want a canoe or kayak so I can get out on the water soon) Is it possible to make a list that won't change?  Is it possible to remain true to the values of a 34 year old father, when those very values seem to have shifted based on life experiences? Are the items on my list too specific? Maybe... Love Honesty Compassion Health Fun More to come on this one I'm pretty sure.

Now is probably a good time to check back in. It's been several years, miles, smiles and tears since I've last posted. Rather than bore you with a full on recap in one giant post, I think it will be good to reflect on a few things that have been happening one post at a time. Eventually we'll get caught up. Today's post is focused on the irony of life. In particular, the brutal separation in society created by money; those who have it and those who don't.  I work at a casino near my hometown, and it's been such a great opportunity filled with many amazing insights into cultural divides and life in general. On most days I park in the employee parking lot, walk past a few homeless men or women on my way into a building filled with equal parts prosperity and despair. On one side, there are the folks gaming for entertainment. They have been blessed in one way or another to have the opportunity to visit the casino and spend amounts of money without fear of cons...

Last night I was scooping snow and J decided to come out and join me. For the first minute or two he followed the paths I was scooping, but soon realized that making his own footprints were much more fun. How profound...and how scary. We made our first snowman of the year together and headed inside for some hot chocolate. I realize that I've almost completely lost touch of innocence. Nights like last night that make me think I can learn to remember, but nights like Saturday night (see pictures below) make me question that theory. Some days(nights) I don't even know who I am. I've spent 7 years in a cloud and I'm not quite sure which road to take. Or do I have to choose? Can a person turn around or is it a one way street? Yikes. Maybe it's the new baby boy on the way. Maybe it's the weather. Either way somethings gotta give. Maybe that thing is me.

It's been nearly a month since I've visited my page. Let's call it a vacation-even though that couldn't be farther from the truth. A while back I received a call at work from my wife and she needed to talk, and she asked me to meet her. Most men don't like hearing the "we need to talk" for other reasons - I figured it was something to do with her back problems and surgery issues. While waiting I even had my self convinced she probably had some deadly disease - chalk that one up to my imagination. She finally made it home and walked in the front door with a small grin and red teary eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing, and then unfolded a sheet of four photos. Not just any photos, but sonogram photos. Fast forward, we are expecting another baby on April 6th! The extreme joy I felt quickly turned into terrible nervous feelings. Fear of not being able to support for our family are too close to home. That fear turns any good mood into another ...

Today at work I glanced over at my news ticker to see that an Omaha boy was shot and killed over some sort of confrontation . Sound familiar? Right now life is confusing...but at least I'm living.